Not sure when this one arrived, I’m guessing maybe 2004.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if Sobe still sells this product, but it’s not really my business to know.  I do remember it being quite good, though.  So, what I’m saying is, that if Sobe still makes it, I would gladly accept a free case of the stuff.

Hard to believe that I don’t have a bunch of paid endorsements, isn’t it?  OK, this is my big chance.

Do you have a business that needs shameless pimping by one of the top 100 radio personalities in Sacramento?  Could your product benefit by the heartfelt endorsement of Sacramento’s Most Trusted Local Celebrity™ (according to a survey due out next year, maybe)?  Look no further.

Andy Sims is your guy.

I have the honesty and integrity to call myself out for being an a-hole for just having referred to myself in the third person.  It is exactly this sort of “realness” that allows me to communicate with everyone from jaded Gen Xers, to corpulent Baby Boomers, brain-damaged teens, and everything in between and beyond.

Couldn’t your business benefit greatly from associating itself with a never-once convicted, married, father of two reasonably well-adjusted children?  (No, you may not meet them.)  Of course it could!

Here’s the thing: I’d like to buy a house some day.  And even though home prices and interest rates are at a low for the decade (amirite Pro City Mortgage?), I could definitely use a little help in the old income department.  The kids might want to go to college after they graduate high school.  I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m desperate, but I honestly can’t think of a thing that I wouldn’t gladly lend my weighty credibility to.  You think I’m lying?

I fully endorse this hoodie!  It’s 100 percent cotton, and some wool.  It has a hood and drawstrings so that you can close it so tightly that you don’t notice that you’re married to a snowmobiling douchebag.  It will not function as a contraceptive device for your promiscuous daughter, but it will hide a teen pregnancy through the 5th month.

Yay, Sarah!  You’re hot!  And it’s neat how your state gets more money from the federal government than any other!  When you are president, I hope you will do for all states what you’ve done for Alaska, such as make them non-contiguous, like and, such as.

See how good I am at this?  For more information about how to hire me to sell your product, contact:

Andy Sims’ boss, 916.334.7777.  And be cool, he gets 20% of everything I make.

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